In my life I've learned :
No matter how much the things you hear at night sound like baby chickens trying to escape from a shell.. the eggs in the refridgerator are NOT hatching. And they will not hatch, no matter how much you take care of them.
ET does not live under your bed. He does not follow you down the hall, only to jump into a room when you look over your shoulder. You did not see him walk through your door, across your room, and into your closet. ET does not want to kill you.
"Theoretically" is not pronounced "Theory-etically" even though that makes more sense.
There are no secret cameras behind the mirrors in your house.
Just because you hear an airplane flying over head is no reason to think that it is about to crash into the building your in. Nor does it mean that it is from some foreign country and is about to drop a bomb on your house.
Sometimes a black helicopter is just a black helicopter.
You will never catch up with a UFO, even if you drive after it for two hours. You will never admit that it kinda looked like an airplane.
A shooting star does not mean the sky is falling.
When you replace the sugar for your mother's morning coffee with garlic salt, she will not see the humor.
If you (or someone you're with) is going to steal someone's mailbox, try taking one that isn't nailed to a heavy wooden post that you'll have to pull up from the ground. It's hard to make a smooth getaway carrying that.
When you get caught stealing said hypothetical mailbox, don't even attempt to play innocent.
Try to pick friends who would tell you ahead of time that the owner of said hypothetical mailbox just caught them urinating on his lawn two hours before.
When the man calls the police, your mother will not see the humor.
Smearing fingerpaint on a bathrobe and painting oddly titled pictures while wearing a ski mask, does not make you an artist.
If your mother makes you a Sylvester the Cat costume, you are not supposed to wear it to the grocery store.
When your drunkard uncle is babysitting, and takes you to the liquor store with him, your best sunday dress and shoes are not the proper attire.
Do not use all of your mother's fingernail polish remover to dissolve styrofoam peanuts in your bedroom.
While movies might act like it's a good idea, don't write messages in lipstick on your mirrors.
If you are drunk and surrounded by racist rednecks who have also been drinking, avoid screaming "I am black!" at the top of your lungs.
If you spill beer on your shoes, it is not necessary to change pants and shirts.